The Shorts

These cute striped Loft shorts. I’ve only worn them once but they tell a story. Granted, it’s a story only I know. To everyone else they look like any other shorts. But not to me. Would you like to hear the story?

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A couple years ago, my mom bought me these shorts as a gift because none of my clothes fit. I thought they were adorable, but I didn’t wear them for months because I was hiding. Hiding from what, you might ask? I was hiding from life. I was hiding from myself. I was hiding from the world. So these shorts hung empty in my closet, until I packed them in my suitcase. They made the plane ride and got hung in a new closet. They hung empty in this new closet for a month. I wanted to wear them, but I was still afraid. I was still hiding. I was still holding on. Finally, I got a challenge from a special lady. “Wear something that’s pretty and be proud in it.” Some of you might think, “That’s not a challenge. I do that everyday.” But it was a challenge for me. I woke up the next day and took out the shorts and a white shirt. I put the outfit on. I stood barefoot in front of a floor length mirror and turned side to side. Did I like what I saw? Could I do it? Could I be that brave? Regardless of if i liked the reflection, I did it. I wore the shorts. I got so many compliments that I think a part of me thought, “Hey, maybe being seen isn’t so bad?”

Flash forward, almost two years and those shorts still hang in my closet, unworn since that challenge day.

It’s the time of year where I clean out my closet. I try everything on and get rid of what I don’t like. So out came the striped shorts. I was scared. I’ve changed since the first time I wore those shorts, yet part of me felt like that scared little girl in hiding again as I held those shorts up. Deep breath as I pulled them on. They zipped and buttoned. Exhale. But they were tight. Sigh. When I say tight I mean tight. Tight as in spandex tight. I don’t like tight clothing. Never have. Probably never will. Which is usually fine with me, but this is different.

I take them off and hold them up again. Were they really tight? Yes, yes they were. Sigh. I folded them before sitting down to think. Not going to lie, a few tears fell as I faced an inner battle. What would I do with this? 

You are probably wondering why I care so much about these shorts. For Heaven’s sake, why would anyone cry over shorts! I didn’t cry because of the shorts. I can buy new shorts. I cried because of what the shorts stand for. You see, the last time I wore those shorts I was 10 (ish) pounds less than I am now. I had been in treatment for anorexia and had already gained a painful 20 pounds when I first put those shorts on, but I still had another 10 (ish) pounds to gain. That’s why I was scared. I was scared to be seen even though that was what I desperately wanted. I was scared to look pretty. I was scared to be looked at.

The shorts fit loosely when I first wore them. I tucked my white button down in, lifted my chin and whispered “Be brave, Arden” to the girl in the mirror. The second time I put those shorts on, I found myself whispering the same thing. Be brave, Arden.  

Now I sit with the shorts wondering what to do. Do I get angry and beat myself up about having gained 10 pounds? Do I go work out until my legs give out? Do I skip dinner and pray that the shorts will fit tomorrow? No. No I don’t do any of those things. A few years ago I would have, but not today. Today I simply sit with the shorts and give thanks.

I give thanks to God for those 10 pounds and the 20 pounds before the shorts. I give thanks not because I like the fact that I had to gain back the 30 pounds I had lost or because the shorts don’t fit. Instead, I give thanks because of the life I live post-the shorts. Because those shorts no longer fit I can dance for hours on end. I can hold my weight in pointe shoes. I can jump and turn without fear of breaking bones or passing out. Because the shorts don’t fit, I can run after my dogs in the rain. I can play tag with the kids I babysit and hold them for hours. I can work out with my brother until I’m sweaty and panting. Because the shorts don’t fit, I can stand and worship at church without having to sit down and shut my eyes in order to stop the world from spinning. I can have cupcake dates with my best friends and spontaneously drink hot chocolate while watching a cheesy Hallmark movie with my parents. Because those shorts are too tight, I have new friends and a church community that I love. I have relationships and opportunities that would have been impossible 10, 20 or 30 pounds ago. Because those super cute shorts don’t fit, I have a life and a good life at that.

So I give thanks and keep living brave even though the shorts don’t fit.